Zombie Apocalypse

I am a nerd. I didn't actually understand how much of a nerd until I realized not everyone has been playing video games since they were 3, loves Star Trek, hates the Star Wars prequels, and understands all of Andrew from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's references.

For some odd reason he's less popular than Spike

I learned this at University, when I encountered people who had never played The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask and believed vampires ate animals instead of people. I encountered these people outside of my residence building of course, as in my residence we had regular Red Dwarf marathons and Dungeons and Dragons nights.

Above: Me.

I was unsure how to interact with these strange beings. I haven't been self conscious since grade 10, when I was sure everyone was judging me for the way I walked or the way I opened doors. Until now. What if I made a Science Fiction reference that no one understood? What if I quoted a famous line from an obscure cult movie that only I would laugh at, and then have to explain awkwardly before hastily changing the subject to the weather? It was like Hell people. If Hell was full of socially awkward situations.

"Hey, long time no see! Fancy us being eternally damned together"

"...................."

"So, do you come here often?"

I had a plan. I would weed out those I would not be compatible with by asking a single innocent question. I would usually ask this question after the third or fourth social gathering, like lunch time. It was genius. I would be able to tell apart those with whom I would be able to discus Firefly, from those I would have to explain what Firefly was. I would calm the group by expertly raising my hands and catching their attention with a quick “Okay okay!” Then I would ask, in a humorous yet serious tone:

What's your zombie plan?

The worst candidates would say something like “I dunno, hide,” or “If that happens I'll probably be somewhere else,” or even spew nonsense like “Get on a plane and fly to Hawaii until it goes away.” Everyone knows to avoid planes, because all it takes is one infected person in that extremely closed space to not only kill you all, but transport the disease elsewhere, causing an even faster global outbreak! Geez people! These are Resident Evil level mistakes!

Witness me after playing Resident Evil for 5 minutes. Fail.

I found my salvation in the Dungeons and Dragons group. You would think they would have been my first choice, but I was intimidated by their superior knowledge of everything considered nerd-worthy. I am also a hermit, so venturing down to hall to socialize was really not a common adventure for me. But eventually I was assimilated, and my fear of going through university completely alone was exterminated faster than you can say Time and Relative Dimensions in Space.

For those who missed reference.

We had a great zombie plan, and were going to survive. However, since the school year ended, I have relocated to downtown Vancouver. I hadn't actually thought about this before, but my recent viewing of amc's The Walking Dead has reminded me that I'm not in rural, barren Southern Ontario anymore, or sheltered, isolated island populated by primarily elderly people, and I need a new zombie plan.

I am realistic, and so I know that if the zombies are anything more than weak, moaning, brainless, snail-paced cannibals, I will die. I will not survive. I am a tiny ineffectual little girl who can't win an arm wrestle against a 12 year old. I will not survive the zombie apocalypse.

In The Walking Dead (the television series mainly - the graphic novel is on my extremely long list of things to read) the zombies can run, are strong, and know how to use things like doorknobs. They're basically just below the I Am Legend beings and the rage virus nightmares from 28 Days Later. If the world is overrun by zombies like in The Walking Dead, I will not win. Really, in this scenario, its more of a choice between taking the real man's way out and shooting myself in the head, or taking the real asshole's way out, and becoming a badass zombie to take the rest of the world down with me.

...

I'll make that decision when the time comes.

Ahem.

My original Zombie Plan was to stock up on food, practice my aim with my brother's BB guns, while he keeps watch over the surrounding fields in case a rouge zombie accidentally gets lost and winds up in our corner of the boondocks. Its almost a perfect location for a zombie outbreak. And nothing else.

population per square 5 miles of previous Zombie Plan location

Now however, I live in Vancouver. Not just any part of Vancouver, but the West End in downtown Vancouver, the most densely populated area in Canada.

Population per square 5 miles of current location

If there was any hope of my surviving, it is gone, but that doesn't mean we still can't have a good plan. In our current plan, me, my sister, and her two puppies will likely starve to death, but as I said, we have only recently started to plan for this inevitable apocalypse, and it is still a work in progress. Basically we run down to the pier, steal a boat, and float harmlessly away from the hoards of undead. Like a happy place or comfort zone.

No happy place is complete without puppies